“It’s okay. You’re in a safe place.” Looking over to my therapist, I couldn’t say much. Such a weird thing to say. My therapist. I’m still getting used to it. This is a mistake. I shouldn’t be here.
How are you going to explain this to your sister? Oh right. She got this session for me. Well, I didn’t ask her to.
But she cares about you and you’re not okay. I’m fine.
You barely eat, refuse to let anyone in and cried yourself to sleep almost a whole week. You will be unstable if you continue down this path. I hate it when my self conscience is right.
“What am I suppose to say?” That was a stupid question to ask.
“Anything that’s on your mind.” I sighed and waited for myself to say something. But, nothing came out.
“How are you doing?” I shrugged, “Okay, I guess.”
Stop lying! Be honest.
“A-Actually I’m not okay. I feel empty, hurt and betrayed.” The woman gave a gentle smile to me.
“Good. We’re starting somewhere. Take your time.” She calmly stated. I wanted to say more but a rush of emotions got the best of me. She hands me a box of tissues for the tears escaping my eyes.
“It’s alright.” After five minutes to calm myself, my throat felt swollen to talk.
“I-Is it okay if we try something?” She blinks and puts her pen down.
“What do you have in mind?”
“It’s hard to express how I feel especially to someone I don’t know. I’ll say what’s on my mind like I’m writing in my journal. Is that okay?” She nods.
“Of course, whatever makes you comfortable. I’m here to listening, you won’t here a peep from me. Whenever you’re ready.” Okay. So far, so good. Maybe I can express how am truly feeling this way. Pretend like I’m writing in my journal. What would I say? Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes for a minute to collect my thoughts.
“Normally it’s hard to tell people how I feel, especially to you. And I’ve been trying my hardest to lower my guard to let you know how I’ve felt but I’ve been doing a shitty job at it. So after our talk, I sat on my bed replaying the whole conversation in my head. It still feels like a sucker punch to the face but it is what it is.
But telling me that surprise, I was really surprised. Truthfully I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t know what I was feeling at the moment. I know we’ve been rocky, maybe I have myself to blame. I don’t know. But I do know as I lay in bed I smiled at the thought of it and the next I’m breaking down, crying, holding the pillow close to my body.” My voice begins to crack with another rush of emotions floods my body, including memories of that dreadful night.
“I’m trying not to be really sentimental but hearing the news, it’s like my feelings wants to stop liking you and only see you as a friend. The problem is I don’t want to. I still like you. Like we discussed, maybe if I had put more effort in then something could’ve happened. I just need time for me to fully take this in. At the end of the day, I only want you to be happy. I don’t care if it’s not with me, you were my friend before this grew. I don’t want to be bitter and say terrible things. It’s not me. I… don’t know what to do. It’s lead me with the ultimate decision. I have to let you go. I need to ” Tears flooded my eyes again only this time I couldn’t stop.
I knew why I didn’t hold back. This is what I’ve been feeling all week. It’s because of this, I denied it for days. Not wanting to accept it created this pain deep inside.
Now I know. This was my truth.