Here comes a thought. It bothered me for as long as I can remember. I can’t stand that word. The word runs deep to me. That deep it has an invisible hold on my heart and it pains me every time whenever an act of this word is shown in the media. Other words includes prejudice and having a strong dislike or worse, hatred against another person who isn’t like the other.
Truth is I’ve dealt with it since I was a kid. I wondered why in some cases my teachers would act a certain way when it came to me but they act differently towards those who had a lighter complexion.
I was sad that I wasn’t a lighter complexion. My world was around Barbie, Bratz, Myscene and Disney. Throughout it all I loved Barbie, for her blonde hair and blue eyes. My favorite Disney princess was (still is) Mulan and as for Bratz it was Jade. Not once did I say my favorite was a black female.
I remember when my mom bought me two of the same Barbie bed sheets, they had different skin tones. One black and one white. I know I made her upset when I wanted the white Barbie on my bed.
“Don’t you like the black Barbie? She’s beautiful.” I remember I told her no. I told her she wasn’t pretty.
There were times I wondered would I get lighter if I poured bleach on my skin. Thought about a few times but I didn’t do it. The boys I had a crushes on were all the same. They didn’t like me. They liked the girls with blond hair and blue eyes.
I remember ordering a pizza and when the delivery guy saw me he was taken back. He told me he wasn’t what I was expected to be because I sounded well educated on the phone. He apologized to me numerous times for his comment and didn’t mean any harm.
I thought I wasn’t beautiful. I couldn’t be unless I wasn’t black.
That’s what I thought.
If I could back in time I would give my younger self a hug and never let go. I would tell her to love yourself. Tell her that you are beautiful and through life you will face it. It shouldn’t stop you from becoming the better version of yourself.
Through my experiences I had hope for changes. However, it fucking pisses me off to have history constantly repeat itself. People who are not educated on the matter and their comments, pictures or videos shows a level of privilege and ignorance that hurts people like me. I’ve been telling people about what they can do. But I’ve done it quietly.
My take on the matter and as I check my phone all over the media more things come up, especially with those of higher privilege recreate George Floyd’s pose with a knee to the neck creates a fire in me. The messed up part is that they’re doing it for fun!
Are you fucking kidding me!
It’s why I tend to stay away from my phone for a long period now. It becomes frustrating and with this anger burning in me, I wanted to speak my mind the only way I could.
So please, take this time to educate those who need it and understand this situation America is going through. Continue to find ways of how you can be apart of taking a step for change and true justice.
Thank you for reading this.