I Lost Myself

Hey guys. Today is more serious than the normal joke around type of blog post. This has been bothering me besides graduating soon and figuring out what I’m going to do next. This is deeper.

For the past month, my mind has been cluttered. I’ve talked about it and I mentioned some ways that can help. In result, my mind still remained cluttered. Even after meditation! It came to a point it was hard for me to sleep, eat and think straight. I know I mentioned taking a deep breath, writing down my tasks and tackling them one by one…

To be honest it worked for the first few days then my mind was cluttered again. When I talked to my sister, she would ask why was my mind like this?

Unfortunately my answer was “I don’t know.”

During this past weekend, Ive been getting headaches, I’ve been getting frustrated, I wanted it to stop. There were times I made my sister worry whenever she saw me faze out with a serious look displayed on my face.

The moment I snapped out of it, she told me to write about. I thought to myself I do write, however, it was the tasks I had to do. Because of finals this week and the large amount of homework my professors gave me, I haven’t had the time to write much.

So I grab a notebook and pen, I started to write a sentence. One sentence began another one and another one. That’s when it hit me, I couldn’t stop. My hand kept writing as if it had a mind of its own. By the time I finished, I’ve written about six pages, front and back! I paused for a moment before going back and rereading it over. Soon a wave of emotions slammed into me.

My eyes stopped at one sentence.

“I lost myself.” Tears formed… and I cried. What was becoming of me that I felt so lost, confused and frustrated? I sat there thinking to myself for a moment until I continue to read.

It was then I discovered I was forcing myself to become someone I’m not. This has been going on the moment I was a senior in high school. The more I forced myself to change, the less passion I had for writing.

Yes, there you go. My darkest truth.

I’ve continued to write while I started college, but it wasn’t every day like I used too. For me to come up with a concept for a new story, I would keep all my story ideas somewhere, then review which one would catch my interest then write about it. Most of the time it was half and half.

I put a lot of energy into it and other times, I barely had the energy. To put things worst, whenever I was feeling upset or sad, whatever bothered me, I would suppress it instead of writing it down.

Once I finished reading my stress was gone. My head for the first time in a month was cleared. I sat there reflecting on how powerful writing can be.

Since my revelation with myself, I’ve made sure to carry a notebook around me and write about anything. as long as I wrote something down its something. As for short stories, I’m working on a few at the moment. The novels coming in the fall are also currently in the works.

But if you guys are wondering if I’m fine, the answers yes. I have to stop forcing myself to become this person and be the person I want to be. The best part from this other than a clear head, I can finally get some good sleep… well get any sleep I can get this week from studying for finals.

Thanks for listening. I felt the need to let you guys know what’s been going on, especially since this was involved with my mental health. Don’t worry I will go back to post more upbeat, and curious blog post in the future. Until the next time.